8 Types of W*nkers
THE 4 KNIGHTS
Let’s start with the reversed Knights. Their inner wanker is always close to the surface and doesn’t need much of an invitation to come out to play. These blokes are still young and they wouldn’t know subtle if it hit them in the face. Brimming with over-confidence (read ‘testosterone’) they are eager to put their mark on the world.
The Reversed Knight of Wands. It’s no secret that the mark he wants to put on the world is in the form of notches on his bed post. He often has more than one partner on the go and can’t stop himself from flirting.
Why should he even need to? He won’t be held accountable for any trespasses – it’s not his fault that he was born irresistible and that women can’t keep their hands off him!
Player? Pfffft. He’s just young and sowing his oats! The world should be grateful that he shines the light of the Sun out of all his orifices. Suck it up, suckers!
The Reversed Knight of Cups. Moody, brooding, difficult and just a general pain in the *rse. He’s almost always in a bad mood but it’s never his fault. He’s just sensitive and artistic and terribly misunderstood, you see.
Yet he has this intensity behind the eyes that draws the ladies in. They seek to ease his suffering. Often quite a lot older than him, they mother him and look after all those boring earthly tasks that his artistic genius shouldn’t have to be bothered with.
Manipulative? How dare you suggest such a thing! See, now he’s misunderstood again and off to drown his sorrows in a bottle of cheap red wine.
The Reversed Knight of Swords. He is always right. Period. Never mind that he changed his mind just now. He was right then and he is right now and you are always totally wrong.
He doesn’t date much. If he trawls the Internet dating sites it’s mostly to find someone to troll and cyber bully. He hates women and doesn’t really try to hide what he thinks of the highly irrational, much weaker sex.
Will he ever score? He might occasionally pull because some chick thinks he’s really really clever. Mostly he just rapes women.
The Reversed Knight of Pentacles. The thicko of the lot. Definitely more brawn than brains. He covers up his insecurity about lack of intellectual prowess by glassing people or biting their ear off.
He likes his women looking like Barbie dolls and assumes that any woman of close to normal intelligence is a Lesbian or worse.
You know you’ve accidentally started seeing one of these when you hear the words “What’s an intelligent woman like you doing with a bloke like me?” No matter how great the sex is, you won’t last 48 hours after that sentence has been uttered.
THE 4 KINGS
Kings are supposed to be mature men, right? Not necessarily true with the reversed Kings. Mostly they are just little boy’s in grown men’s clothing, a.k.a ‘older blokes.’
The Reversed King of Wands. This is the ‘spiritual wanker’ who realised early on that he could use spiritual quotes and clichés to pull and also that he could get away with talking the talk.
As soon as someone sees through him, he suggests that they’re imposing on his spiritual freedom or forming some other kind of obstacle on his spiritual path.
He loves to think of himself as a great source of inspiration and a real blessing to the world. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know the first thing about personal responsibility.
The Reversed King of Cups. The alcoholic. He found truth and salvation at the bottom of a bottle and nobody is going to convince him otherwise… but he’s happy to take your application for a co-dependent relationship.
Form a queue ladies, form a queue!
If you’re not into straight forward co-dependency, he also does variations which include narcissism and other forms of personality disorders.
The Reversed King of Swords. This is the University Professor who uses his clout to seduce students. Often married and outwardly successful, he rarely denies himself any perversity which will distract his highly anxious mind.
There is nothing divine and nothing pure in his world. He is the quintessential cynic who will do anything to prove that the highest form of intelligence… and therefore power… is he.
He doesn’t even bother trying to make you feel as if you are getting anything out of the relationship. Surely it should be enough for you, lowly female, to bask in his intellect?
The Reversed King of Pentacles. Because we all love a tight man with OCD.
Why is the house always a mess when he gets home after a hard day’s work at the office? Stupid woman, don’t you get that he can’t relax with house full of screaming kids and toys littered on the floor!?
He loves to sit alone late at night and count his money and secretly resents having to spend a single penny on you. You know you’ve met one of these when he asks you to pay for half of the petrol on the first date.