Dating the King of Pentacles

Posted in Kings | 4 comments

Dating the King of Pentacles

“Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.” ― Benson Bruno The King of Pentacles is the King of Practicality. He’s a no-nonsense family provider and businessman. He doesn’t waste time on dreams that can’t be turned into (profitable) reality. He can be intelligent but is usually not too imaginative. He prefers the tried and trusted to novel ideas…. Unless, of course, there is a large sum of money attached to the end of it. He’s intuitive when it comes to making a buck but doesn’t usually extend his gut instincts to serve him in other areas. Because the material realm is his domain, he can also be quite health conscious. Traditionally a Virgo male, he can even be fastidious to the point of OCD. Being male, he tends to not air his worries but tucks them in the gut where they can wreak havoc with his digestive system. His shady (reversed) aspects can be seen over at 8 Types of W*ankers. Pros: He’s responsible. Stuff matters to this guy and he takes a lot of pride in his work. This is one man you won’t have to teach how to floss. It’s more likely that he’s the one who’ll remind you daily about how flossing adds six years to your life. If you like the idea of a big garden but aren’t too keen on doing the actual gardening, he’s your man! Being quite conventional, he’s one of the safest bets if you’re looking to start a family. He takes his role as breadwinner very seriously which allows you to focus on raising the children should you so wish. Cons: Can take the whole ‘cleanliness is next to godliness’ thingy a tad too far. You shouldn’t have to worry about having a shower before sex every time on your honeymoon, should you? Nor should you have the man of the house walk behind you and check your dusting with his index finger. And god help you if you put his carefully arranged kitchen knives in the wrong order! Very careful about spending and expects the same of you, especially after the initial courtship period has ended. Be prepared to justify any purchase as useful. Not very subtle when it comes to using words in the game of seduction. The King or Knight of Wands can be blunt too but are usually better at carrying it off because they somehow manage to make you laugh at the same time. Out of all his mates, you can count on him to be the first to reach the pipe and slippers stage. Type of date he prefers: He’ll worry about how it ‘should’ be done. Traditional wining and dining is on the menu in other words. He might also try to impress...

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8 Types of W*nkers

Posted in Tarot Court Cards | 6 comments

8 Types of W*nkers

THE 4 KNIGHTS Let’s start with the reversed Knights. Their inner wanker is always close to the surface and doesn’t need much of an invitation to come out to play. These blokes are still young and they wouldn’t know subtle if it hit them in the face. Brimming with over-confidence (read ‘testosterone’) they are eager to put their mark on the world. The Reversed Knight of Wands. It’s no secret that the mark he wants to put on the world is in the form of notches on his bed post. He often has more than one partner on the go and can’t stop himself from flirting. Why should he even need to? He won’t be held accountable for any trespasses – it’s not his fault that he was born irresistible and that women can’t keep their hands off him! Player? Pfffft. He’s just young and sowing his oats! The world should be grateful that he shines the light of the Sun out of all his orifices. Suck it up, suckers! The Reversed Knight of Cups. Moody, brooding, difficult and just a general pain in the *rse. He’s almost always in a bad mood but it’s never his fault. He’s just sensitive and artistic and terribly misunderstood, you see. Yet he has this intensity behind the eyes that draws the ladies in. They seek to ease his suffering. Often quite a lot older than him, they mother him and look after all those boring earthly tasks that his artistic genius shouldn’t have to be bothered with. Manipulative? How dare you suggest such a thing! See, now he’s misunderstood again and off to drown his sorrows in a bottle of cheap red wine. The Reversed Knight of Swords. He is always right. Period. Never mind that he changed his mind just now. He was right then and he is right now and you are always totally wrong. He doesn’t date much. If he trawls the Internet dating sites it’s mostly to find someone to troll and cyber bully. He hates women and doesn’t really try to hide what he thinks of the highly irrational, much weaker sex. Will he ever score? He might occasionally pull because some chick thinks he’s really really clever. Mostly he just rapes women. The Reversed Knight of Pentacles. The thicko of the lot. Definitely more brawn than brains. He covers up his insecurity about lack of intellectual prowess by glassing people or biting their ear off. He likes his women looking like Barbie dolls and assumes that any woman of close to normal intelligence is a Lesbian or worse. You know you’ve accidentally started seeing one of these when you hear the words “What’s an intelligent woman like you doing with a bloke like me?” No matter how great the sex is, you won’t last 48 hours after that sentence has been uttered. THE 4 KINGS Kings...

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