B*tch Please

Posted in Queens, Tarot Court Cards | 10 comments

B*tch Please

Following yesterday’s post about the reversed Knights and Kings called 8 Types of W*nkers, it is only fair that we do a post on the reversed Queens too. You may think it’s unfair of me to only write about four different types of bitches when I’ve listed a whopping eight ¬†types of wankers… but then life isn’t fair and I don’t necessarily feel the need to explain myself. Feel free to guess which of the four Queens would have stated that ūüėČ The Reversed Queen of Wands. The ultimate drama queen. No show can go on without her and she will be centre stage. Upstage her at your own peril! In a relationship, you become her accessory if you are good looking (but not too good looking!) or her bank manager if you are rich. Either way, you play a role to make her star shine brighter. Forget about equality and for chrissake sake don’t embarrass her by not getting your teeth bleached! She learns only from the best and you can expect an autobiography by someone famous for being famous on her bedside table. The Reversed Queen of Cups. Look up the word manipulative in the dictionary and you might find a picture of this Queen under it. She loves to use guilt-inducing tears to get a reaction. She’s a psychic vampire and usually suffers from addiction to both love and substances. Although she does drama quite well, fame is not as important to the Queen of Cups as it is to the Queen of Wands – she’s happy to have her claws in just one person. You just as often find her in the role of victim as vampire, as she relishes any role which requires fully functioning tear ducts. The Reversed Queen of Swords. Yes, all Queens are drama queens and this one does it with her tongue. She can emasculate you in under 2 seconds. Her sharp words are more often than not accompanied by a steely stare. If there is anything at all not 100% right with you, she will find it and point it out to you. Also, in an argument she is always right – especially when she is wrong. Many men end up emigrating after breaking up with this Queen. Sorry guys, but you can’t get away from her! This is one of the most common types of Queens and one of the reasons men. just. stop. talking. The Reversed Queen of Pentacles. The slob of the Queens. She has let herself go and her children’s nappies are overflowing. Perhaps you vaguely remember that meal she cooked for you in 2010? Ah well, you’re used to microwaved TV dinners by now. Forget about personal comfort and happiness and instead make sure that your kids won’t have to have their teeth pulled before they turn three because your wife couldn’t bother brushing...

Read More »

8 Types of W*nkers

Posted in Tarot Court Cards | 6 comments

8 Types of W*nkers

THE 4 KNIGHTS Let’s start with the reversed Knights. Their inner wanker is always close to the surface and doesn’t need much of an invitation to come out to play. These blokes are still young and they wouldn’t know subtle if it hit them in the face. Brimming with over-confidence (read ‘testosterone’) they are eager to put their mark on the world. The Reversed Knight of Wands. It’s no secret that the mark he wants to put on the world is in the form of notches on his bed post. He often has more than one partner on the go and can’t stop himself from flirting. Why should he even need to? He won’t be held accountable for any trespasses – it’s not his fault that he was born¬†irresistible and that women can’t keep their hands off him! Player? Pfffft. He’s just young and sowing his oats! The world should be grateful that he shines the light of the Sun out of all his orifices. Suck it up, suckers! The Reversed Knight of Cups. Moody, brooding, difficult and just a general pain in the *rse. He’s almost always in a bad mood but it’s never his fault. He’s just sensitive and artistic and terribly misunderstood, you see. Yet he has this intensity behind the eyes that draws the ladies in. They seek to ease his suffering. Often quite a lot older than him, they mother him and look after all those boring earthly tasks that his artistic genius shouldn’t have to be bothered with. Manipulative? How dare you suggest such a thing! See, now he’s misunderstood again and off to drown his sorrows in a bottle of cheap red wine. The Reversed Knight of Swords. He is always right. Period. Never mind that he changed his mind just now. He was right then and he is right now and you are always totally wrong. He doesn’t date much. If he trawls the Internet dating sites it’s mostly to find someone to troll and cyber bully. He hates women and doesn’t really try to hide what he thinks of the highly irrational, much weaker sex. Will he ever score? He might occasionally pull because some chick thinks he’s really really clever. Mostly he just rapes women. The Reversed Knight of Pentacles. The thicko of the lot. Definitely more brawn than brains. He covers up his insecurity about lack of intellectual prowess by glassing people or biting their ear off. He likes his women looking like Barbie dolls and assumes that any woman of close to normal intelligence is a Lesbian or worse. You know you’ve accidentally started seeing one of these when you hear the words “What’s an intelligent woman like you doing with a bloke like me?” No matter how great the sex is, you won’t last 48 hours after that sentence has been uttered. THE 4 KINGS Kings...

Read More »

Will He Call? The Majors

Posted in Divination | 9 comments

Will He Call? The Majors

Totally tongue in cheek… 0. The Fool – Maybe, and if he does, it’ll be when you least expect it. Probably in the middle of Christmas dinner at aunty Margret’s. 1. The Magician. Yes but I wouldn’t trust him quite yet. 2. The High Priestess. No. 3. The Empress. Not a chance. He’s busy getting his leg over with a MILF. 4. The Emperor. Yes, and on time. 5. The Hierophant. If he said he’d call after that slightly awkward first date, he meant it in the ‘traditional’ way in which case it’s a ‘no.’ Any other scenario and it’s a ‘yes.’ 6. The Lovers. Hell yeah with a cherry on top! 7. The Chariot. No. Too busy with his own stuff. Who’d wanna date a boy racer anyway! 8. Strength. Expect a booty call! 9. The Hermit… well duh! Hell no! 10. The Wheel of Fortune. Yes, yes, yes! Unless it’s reversed in which case it’s a ‘No, no, no!’ (In fact all reversals make a ‘yes’ less likely, so just read with the cards upright!) 11. Justice. After he has finished sitting on the fence like a true Libran by which time you’ll have hooked up with someone else. 12. The Hanged Man. Ever been to limbo? Want to join him there? Didn’t think so. Time to move on unless you want to wait and wait and wait… 13. Death. NO. 14. Temperance. Yes. He’s just going to finish licking his wounds inflicted by an ex first. 15. The Devil. Yes, but for totally selfish reasons and/or a booty call. Delete the b*stard’s number now! 16. The Tower. No. He probably got run over by a bus and ended up in hospital. Funny how that excuse is a sign of delusion with any other card. 17. The Star. Your wishes are about to come true so be careful what you wish for. Before you wish for him to call back, you may want to make sure he’s not living with his mother. 18. The Moon. Paralysing fear has got hold of his very best text message and phone dial fingers. No, in other words. 19. The Sun. Yes. Start planning that second date picnic now and check the weather forecast! 20. Judgment. He will make a decision very soon. The fates are withholding information about which way he’s leaning but either way, making this decision is a biggie to him so cut the poor man some slack. 21. The World. Of course he will. He’s ‘The One.’ Or something....

Read More »