the soul mate excuse abusive relationships in the tarot

The Soul Mate Excuse

abusive-soul-mate-relationships-illustrated-through-the-tarot (1)

“But he is my soul mate!”

“I can’t be with anyone else, because we are Twin Flames and have important work to do!”

“He’s just on the run because he’s so afraid of the intensity of our connection. That often happens in soul mate relationships, you see.”

“He’s my Twin Flame and just needs to work through some stuff, then my life will begin.”

“He’s treating me like crap but we are soul mates and I think I’m burning off some bad karma.”

“If I only try harder, I’ll be able to read his mind like a proper soul mate should.”

“I will never experience love like this again because he was my soul mate.”

Trust me, I’ve heard them all and then some! Here’s the thing ladies: He’s just not that into you if he is

a) not there or b) not returning your messages or c) treating you like crap… So tell me again how it matters that he is your Soul Mate/Twin Flame?

Let’s apply some logic to these situations. Yes, we have brains for a reason. While we should indeed follow our hearts in love, we are not called upon to abandon reason. In love, the decisions we make need to be aligned between heart, mind and gut in order to yield lasting and mutually beneficial results.

First of all, can you even be sure that he is a soul mate? What makes you so sure? Fair enough if you have past life memories of sharing one or more lives with this person and you both instantly knew that you were soul mates. But if it’s above average chemistry it could be pheromones, a cheeky smile, a washboard stomach or wicked tongue action rather than a true soul mate connection. Cupid is funny like that.

Secondly, even if you have shared past lives together and come from the same soul group… so what? You can’t know exactly why your paths have crossed in this incarnation and you have LOTS of soul mates… You won’t sleep with or be in a relationship with every single one of them – not even the eligible ones that you have chemistry with.

A soul mate is just someone you have a past with and that you keep bumping into on the other side in the life between lives. There is never any guarantee that you will have a future together in any given incarnation. And if it is your Twin Flame (because you just know, not because some oddball psychic told you), yes… then you will be together. When the time is right, which could very well be 20 incarnations from now, when both of you are ready. The time perspective we need to bear in mind is eternity.

Oh and in case you were wondering… Soul Mates and Twin Flames have free will too. You can’t shackle them with some perceived soul contract or because you have some supposed calling to spiritual work together. It’s up to them to know this themselves from within and you would do well to consider that you may be deluding yourself if there is zero resonance in the other person.

Thirdly, when you are in a relationship that is difficult to walk away from even when you have been dumped or you take turns dumping each other (aka a toxic relationship) it is way more likely that you find yourself shackled because you have matching psychological patterns than because of being soul mates. Finding out what these patterns are so that you can gain emotional freedom is way more important than finding out if he is your soul mate.

Finally, in the words of Pink:

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns…

It doesn’t mean he is your Twin Flame!

Please stop using this excuse for someone who is treating you like crap or who simply has no interest in being with you.

Love and happiness are both inside jobs. Love yourself first and then whoever comes across your path. Trust me, you’ll be better off not worrying if you are soul mates or not. Focus on the here and now. Be happy, let go of control and build something together with the other person that they can grasp.

The only thing that matters is that they love you and want to be in a relationship with you. Forget about past lives or a possible divine calling. Take heed of the latter only if you both have a deep inner knowing that it is so.

So why are we all so quick to use the soul mate excuse? My guess is that it’s an ego diversion tactic to prevent us from looking deeper to what needs healing. Do watch those dysfunctional relationship patterns! There is no karma to burn. Karma doesn’t work that way… but that’s a story for another time…

Blessed be!

Lisa

 

Comments 26

  1. so if one person is ready and the other isn’t, one of them could be waiting 20 lifetimes?! that seems a bit of a frustrating set-up for one of them?! Does that mean that the one that is waiting is being punished by having to wait 20 lifetimes? that can’t be right…?! can you explain the ’20 lifetimes thing’ and not just say its a story for another time!

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      Natasha, just because that particular soul mate and you may not be romantic relationship material in this incarnation doesn’t mean you can’t find love with another soul mate… we have many. A soul mate is someone from our soul group on the other side and not necessarily ‘The One.’ Also, we don’t have soul contracts with soul mates in order to find relationship happiness – we have soul contracts so that we can grow our souls and learn more about what it means to love. Finally, please consider this: you can find happiness with someone who isn’t a soul mate. The thought of starting with a clean karmic slate is rather nice, don’t you think?

  2. I’ve copied the following and I am going to save it in a document.

    Secondly, even if you have shared past lives together and come from the same soul group… so what? You can’t know exactly why your paths have crossed in this incarnation and you have LOTS of soul mates… You won’t sleep with or be in a relationship with every single one of them – not even the eligible ones that you have chemistry with.

    A soul mate is just someone you have a past with and that you keep bumping into on the other side in the life between lives. There is never any guarantee that you will have a future together in any given incarnation. And if it is your Twin Flame (because you just know, not because some oddball psychic told you), yes… then you will be together. When the time is right, which could very well be 20 incarnations from now, when both of you are ready. The time perspective we need to bear in mind is eternity.

    Oh and in case you were wondering… Soul Mates and Twin Flames have free will too. You can’t shackle them with some perceived soul contract or because you have some supposed calling to spiritual work together. It’s up to them to know this themselves from within and you would do well to consider that you may be deluding yourself if there is zero resonance in the other person.

    I am in a Twin Flame relationship on a soul level which is lovely! I agree with the above points wholeheartedly. I would love a successful reunion on the physical plane, but it won’t happen until we’ve both done the work we need to do.

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  3. Hi Lisa, I often visit your website to read card interps etc., so I accidentally stumbled upon this as well….

    I was just curious what it means when one is only valued and desired by the totally OFF people, like, undesirable, unwanted etc. Do you believe there to be an existential reason for something this horrible as well? Like, remembering every day how awesome it used to be and being unable to forgive all those horrible idiots for even looking your way because they will never match that love that once was? (Just to be clear my situation is way different from the one you described, I used to be emotionally involved with a person who decomposed mentally due to a toxic lifestyle, all he ever does is send me weird love letters, so not a dumped crybaby scenario at all, he can’t come for me because he can’t come for anyone and I don’t want him, I want him from 3 years ago, but it doesn’t cancel out being asked out by rubbish people everyone tells me not to discard)

    Anyway, if you had time to comment, I’d be grateful.

    1. So why do you hang around people you consider ‘undesirable’? I would prefer my own company, to be honest. Boundary issues spring to mind as well as a deep underlying feeling of not deserving something utterly desirable… I’m a bit bemused about your comment *rubbish people that everyone tells me not to discard*… could you explain this please. You are trying to please your friends and not yourself by keeping undesirables around just in case Mr Right isn’t coming along so you’ll have a fall-back guy?

      1. not really, I just complain to friends and such that everyone who displays interest towards me is rubbish and all I hear is I am biased, that’s all. I’m not trying to please anyone. It’s just frustrating attracting so much unwanted interest and knowing all the way the right thing has been denied again and again, like a kick in the teeth. And I don’t hang around them obvs, only an amount of time necessary to plan to run away

  4. Hi Lisa …. Fear of being alone and denying the fact they are not part of ur life anymore…. But as we all know that’s just phase…. N everything happen for reason… May be that’s lesson for us… Whom to trust in future 🙂 n when this phase is over we will be glad that its for our betterment … N we fought at that phase bravely ….:)

    1. Everything does happen for a reason and when we struggle to see the reason we have to trust that it will be revealed at some point. It is difficult to feel that the one we wanted to be part of our lives forever is happy to see us as someone who just passed through and it’s just as hard to be demoted from lover to friend. A clean break is better and a clean cut gives the heart a chance to heal with less risk of infection.

      1. true well said…. N I got it 🙂 thanks alot 🙂 god bless u!!!! N we all deserve better n good things 🙂

  5. Hi Lisa …. Don’t be sorry…. Infact u r right…. I told him the same that u can’t be friends with ur ex but he keep on apologizing n insisting to be friends…. He said i didn’t know why I did all that… U know Lisa what’s interesting there was no issue between us to fight for….. Nothing happened but he did all n gave me lots of reasons that he is confuse about our relationship….. Then when I was also rude to him… He said I was just checking what will be ur reaction on it…. Then I was so angery… That what is he trying to do …. N now he keep on apologizing to me…. Men are difficult to understand really….. Why they keeping on testing there partners….lol …. N our relationship was long distance….. N we knew each other for 2 years …. We were in same city… Then I moved…..n he proposed….

  6. Good sound advice, Lisa. I think the bottom line is that alot of people are just afraid of being alone – now, and forever. And you’re right about the soul mate thing….so what? If someone isn’t embracing you, it doesn’t matter WHAT they are. Another great post from someone really cosmic who’s keeping it real. Thanks!

  7. My goodness, I cracked. So hard.
    Many thanks for your straight forward and on-the-spot comments Lisa. I literally applaud pretty much every single sentences.

    I’d been wondering all the time, whenever I saw those comments (claiming the soulmate issues) – why does it matter whether or not they are soulmates to begin with?
    Like you said – if they are or they aren’t *soul mates*, does it change anything?
    As if, ‘soul-mate’ is the answer for everything they did / didn’t / experienced / not experienced ?

    Granted, I did suffer when my relationship with my ex went downhill and ended splitting.
    It may not had been the most healthiest relationship either.
    Though with all the brilliant lessons I have learnt and considering how much I matured with him,
    I cannot, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate my ex enough.
    He maybe or may not be my soul mate. Tarot card may or may not tell me he is the soul mate.
    We may or may not come back together again.
    So?
    That doesn’t degrade anything we achieved, nor change the brilliance of the gifts I earned.

    Soul mate or not, lasting or not – isn’t it beautiful to meet with such person.
    And to have had shared each-other just so much?

    Anyway, many many thanks for your refreshing post!

    1. You’re welcome, Ralley and thank you for your comments about your own experiences with your ex. You’re absolutely spot on. We try to add or detract value to relationships by throwing our weight around using terms like ‘soul mate’ and ‘twin flame’… it’s not healthy in most cases… every single encounter is Holy and we sanctify it by being fully present – something that is not possibly if we are busy living in our Soul Mate Castle in the Air.

  8. Hi Lisa great post… I was thinking about my ex relationship and then I saw ur post…. I totally agree with u… But at that phase u always feel that that is the only person for u…. But some how we are just denying that its gone and finish 🙁
    So I just did spread that’s in the picture using what’s in my mind n what’s reality and I got ace of wands for what’s in my mind…. That means that I want to start new beginnings… What’s reality …. I got 2 of cups, death and page of cups…. I know that 2 of cups means union n friendship ….. And then end of something but after that page of cups means some one who want to gain ur affection….
    I always enjoy ur posts n get great knowledge

      1. Yeah… U r right!!!! This is just a phase n will pass….. May b it’s for our betterment ….. That person don’t deserve us….. 😉
        But what if that person keep on saying that he didn’t mean to hurt … N keep on apologizing n saying that he don’t know why he did all that… N still want to b friends…. To tell u the truth some people are just difficult to understand…… Lol

        1. It’s not fair to ask someone to be just friends after you’ve been lovers. There is only one reason guys do this and that is to keep you dangling in case he can’t find someone better. Sorry to be blunt.

  9. Great blog, Lisa! I will also add that latent infatuation tendencies that haven’t evolved into 1st-phase limerence fireworks may also be sociologically ingrained to a degree by…
    ~ seeing many movies where there is legitimate love at first sight chemistry
    ~ a beautiful story unfolds
    ~ and you see the happy couple 50 years later
    ~ … all in around 2 hours, so that people may jump to the product of I want that (50 years) from that (love at first sight) when there are in fact 50 years of being together and all that entails in between… 5 0 years not 2.0 hours.

    I tend to add to the above comments you expressed, all great ones… “I know you felt something with them, though I suggest you stop smoking hope.” Also, there is the incessant “where are we, where are we (in relationship)?” To which, historicizing a relationship from the beginning means you are living in a relationship about taking notes about projections in a relationship that never started. Experiencing things together…

    Thanks for your direct and clear blog!

    1. Thanks Jordan! Great comments, as always! “I suggest you stop smoking hope” nearly made me splurt my tea. Very true about the ‘where are we, where are we’… Just turned one such client away today for that very reason and suggested she try going with the flow instead of controlling it 😉

      1. You’re welcome, and thanks! A further thought to toss in the mix…

        … or rather than going with the flow as I feel some people are along for the ride too much for their own good, I sometimes tell them, “Turn upstream. New life comes from when things swim upstream.” Salmon to spawn. Sperm to egg. Experience makes for new life.

    2. Thanks for sharing via Linkedin, Jordan. Lisa, nice to see your blog – first time for me. I tend to get my cranky on when people ask about meeting a soulmate (in addition to the information you covered as well). My short reply is often a question, “Wouldn’t you rather have someone who loves you and wants to work on a relationship?” That usually stops them in their tracks. Well done all around.

      1. Thanks Davida. Great question to ask of them and I will usually say something similar these days. I’ve had to make the journey for myself though in order to gain an understanding of this dynamic so I don’t judge people and if I do get cranky all I have to do to is think of the younger me. 🙂

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