TRIGGER WARNING – The post below includes a personal account of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse.
My holistic view of health comes from a deep mistrust of the medical profession. The current Lion’s Gate Portal is giving me a chance to revisit and heal the shadow issues I have around this. This is important if I wish to truly move forward with integrity and shine my light in the world. Gut issues, relating to both the second and third chakras are intertwined with my tendency to seek to control events that I’m better off releasing.
In the run-up to the opening of the 2021 Lion’s Gate portal, I was guided by my body and spirit to do a 120-hour water fast. The body’s reason was for gut rest and my spirit’s reason was initially unclear to me but is becoming more apparent day by day. A fast lowers our mental shields and defenses. Evidently, I still have things lurking in the shadows of my psyche. This natural lowering of the mental shields has allowed me to see some of these shadow issues more clearly.
Why is this important in the run-up to the Lion’s Gate on the 6-8 August? This is when the Lion’s Gate energies peak and we can open up to receive downloads and upgrades from the Spiritual Sun, Sirius. However, first, we need to make room for all that light. Preparing mind-body-spirit through, fasting, journaling, and prayer is something I would recommend to anybody who is serious about their path of Divine Service at this crucial point in Earth’s history.
2019 and an Epic Exercise in Spiritual Bypass
In the summer of 2019, I tried NLP to help me get over creative blocks, as well as blocks to abundance and a sense of self-worth. The NLP session was highly successful in terms of (temporarily) removing the pain associated with memories of abuse. However, what I realise now is that all NLP was able to do was break the mind-body connection.
This is not healing. It’s just next-level suppression and bypass of shadow issues. Other than being able to talk about some of the memories without breaking down, it didn’t create the breakthroughs I had hoped for. Now I see why.
Before trying NLP, I had tried both group therapy and 1-2-1 counselling. In the group counselling setting, the only thing that turned out to be useful was a Spirit Animal dream that another person in the group and I dreamed on the same night. As for 1-2-1 counselling, I’ve just found it extremely draining. This is possibly due to that none of the counsellors I came across shared my spiritual experience of the world. Perhaps things might have been different had I had a chance to try transpersonal psychology.
Probable Crohn’s – A Non-Diagnosis
‘How come you don’t have a proper diagnosis for a life-long, chronic disease like Crohn’s, Lisa?,’ I hear you asking. This takes us back to the top of the post and the experiences I’ve had of medical malpractice as a defenceless child as well as an adult.
Let’s start from the top. I’ve had gut issues for as long as I can remember, along with a host of other autoimmune-ish issues that have come and gone. These include asthma, joint pain, eczema, allergies to pretty much everything. In my mind’s eye, I can clearly picture my 6-year-old self doubled over with stomach pain or not able to sleep because of it. I also remember a time where I was covered in eczema from top to toe.
For neither condition did I receive proper care and attention. This is not strange. I was abandoned by my mentally unstable mother at age 3 (my then 2-year-old sister joined us a year later when mum got fed up with being a mum) to live with my equally mentally unstable and occasionally physically abusive father. My father wasn’t an alcoholic or unintelligent. In fact, he can best be summed up as the ‘mad scientist/inventor’ type. He was a brilliant man in many ways but he was definitely not cut out to father two young girls on his own.
First Missed Opportunity for a Diagnosis
When I was 12, on the summer holidays, my father hit me so hard in the solar plexus that I couldn’t breathe for a couple of minutes. This happened as I was lying in my bed. He hit me just once and then left the room. I remember lying in my bed looking out of the window at the moon, thinking that would be the last thing I would see before I died.
Somehow, I recovered physically well enough to function and to keep going to school and my ballet classes. I was a student at the Royal Opera Ballet at the time and my daily schedule and discipline were military-grade. I had nobody to talk to other than my sister who had been my silent witness because we shared a room at our grandparents during the summer holidays. But I chose not to talk about it. It would be decades before I opened up.
Later that year, I was taken to the hospital for gut issues for the first time. I was in there for 3 days, on my own. I only had one visit – from my dad and only for him to drop off a book about stretching so I wouldn’t get too stiff to return to my ballet classes. No diagnosis was given and no treatment followed.
Second Missed Opportunity for a Diagnosis
Like so many of my physical ailments, the gut issues kept coming and going and though I kept suffering from discomfort, I just got on with it. You get used to certain levels of pain and discomfort I guess. But when I was 16, I got hit with pain so bad that I couldn’t stand up straight. I remember doubling over in class and ending up on the floor at my school. I can’t remember how I got to the hospital but I remember being there on my own the whole time.
In the hospital, they took me to different rooms for different types of examinations, including a gynaecological examination. Now, remember I was 16, in excruciating pain and on my own. Not one male doctor but TWO examined me at the same time (the younger of the two, I believe was a med student). They were prodding and poking around for ages while asking me totally irrelevant questions about my sex life. I was completely mortified. What I didn’t understand then was that this was a form of sexual abuse.
So instead of getting help, I received further abuse. I don’t remember for how long I stayed in the hospital that time but once again, I came out with no diagnosis and zero therapy.
Third Missed Opportunity and the Non-Diagnosis
Fast forward to age 26 and my second pregnancy. This is around the time I finally plucked up the courage to confront my dad about the abuse which he promptly totally denied having ever happened. Not long after that, I had another flare-up. I was 15 weeks pregnant at the time, so I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. Again, I had nobody by my side in the hospital because my then-husband had to stay at home with our 7-8-month-old son.
After a couple of different examinations, they wheeled me into the operating theatre and promptly removed my appendix. The next day, the surgeon visited me in my hospital room. He explained that they’d removed the appendix but it was actually a glandular condition I had suffered with. He didn’t tell me that they had entered into my medical records ‘Probable Mb. Crohn’s’ as well. No therapy followed.
The Reason I Didn’t Pursue a Diagnosis
A year later, I was severely ill once more. My children were then 18 months and 4 months old. Essentially, I just woke up one morning, nearly unable to get out of bed because my joints had swelled up that badly. The pain was excruciating.
My initial diagnosis was rheumatoid arthritis but this was changed to sarcoidosis (a lung condition with concomitant swelling of the glands). On route to getting diagnosed with sarcoidosis, I visited the Thorax clinic at one of the largest Swedish hospitals a few times. I was scheduled for bronchoscopy with a lung biopsy. What they neglected to tell me was that I was being entered into a trial for a new diagnostic tool. During the procedure, they nearly ruptured my lung and I still have scarring on my right lung from this involuntary experiment.
How I found out that I had been part of an experiment was via one of the nurse’s assistants who came into my hospital room to check on me right after the bronchoscopy. He asked if it had been really bad because apparently the hospital staff had been offered £100 each to take part in the trials.
The same doctor who had ordered me to have the experimental bronchoscopy also got my chest x-rays mixed up with those of another patient. After this debacle, my mistrust of doctors was ironclad.
Ironically, I ended up working in a hospital for several years after this, as a medical secretary. I wish I could say this helped me regain some of my trust… I guess you can see plainly now how there was no way I was going to fall for the current and ongoing scam.
Hard Control vs Soft Control
Just as a child, I had to learn to not rely on either of my parents for comfort, safety and guidance, I very soon in life had to learn to trust only myself when it came to my health. When another doctor suggested I probably had fibromyalgia too, I just said ‘No thanks.’ I declined to pursue a diagnosis even though I knew she was right because I knew by then there is nothing modern Western medicine can do for my type of health issues other than masking the symptoms.
On the plus side, this had taken me through many N=1 experiments, including trying almost every diet going. I’m now 51, so I have a fairly good idea of what works and what doesn’t for me. What this latest shadow revelation is showing me is that I need to let go of hard control. We tend to use hard control when we don’t trust ourselves. What this means, for instance from a dietary point of view is that we trust someone else’s experimental protocol over what our own body is telling us.
As I learn to trust what my body (and especially my gut) is telling me, I will gradually start healing my sacral and solar plexus chakras. Hard control would only get in the way of this. This is why I wasn’t sure if I would go public with my Instagram for gut healing account. There is always keto and carnivore police about – typically people who haven’t got the first clue about the mind-body-spirit connection. But there is, of course, a simple solution to that problem: the block button.
Light in the Lion’s Gate Portal
I want to end this Lion’s Gate Portal shadow work post on a positive note. And thank you so much for sticking with me if you made it this far! As you can tell, I’ve been on a long and gruelling healing journey but it hasn’t been without victories along the way. My health issues have made me study a plethora of healing modalities along the way (including counselling). Some have been more helpful than others.
Perhaps the most powerful in terms of physical results have been keto/carnivore and intermittent fasting. During my last round of this, I actually cured my asthma. I’ve been asymptomatic for a couple of years now. On a psychological level issues around breathing are to do with sadness/grief. I completed some of my grieving in the years that followed after my parents passed away so this makes sense.
But the most important gain from this very long healing journey has been increased levels of compassion. And the real breakthrough with regards to compassion is happening right now for me, in the run-up to the Lion’s Gate zenith. I finally have compassion for myself and all the experiences I have been through. There is no more shame. This gives me the courage to face all of my shadows and make room for all that beautiful light!