depressed means in need of deep rest

Post-conversion Depression and Deep Rest

When I turned away from the occult and the New Age to Jesus Christ, I was watching quite a few of the YouTube video testimonials of people who had done the same. There is one video that sticks in my mind because of the honesty of the person making it. I’ve looked for it now, hoping to link it here but I couldn’t find it. Maybe it has been deleted or maybe there has just been such a flood of ‘From New Age to Jesus’ videos recorded since then that it’s been drowned out.

The video testimonial I’m thinking of was by a former yogini, yoga teacher and energy healer. If I’m not wrong, the update video was about six monts on from the initial testimonial which was recorded and posted not long after her conversion.

In her update, the ex-yogini talks about how she is still happy about surrendering her life to Jesus but for some reason she is feeling incredibly depressed. All her creative juju was gone and everything had been drained of colour.

At the time, being a very new convert myself, I thought ‘Wow, that’s strange!’ Not the depression part because I have suffered from that quite a lot… But the thought that you could be depressed while walking with Jesus – No way! My brain would not compute that.

Deep Rest

Six months down the line, I totally grocked it. I was feeling flat, depressed and as if all the joy and creativity had gone out of my life. How could this be? What was wrong? I knew that I wanted to keep following the Way but I knew that something was missing as if a part of me had died.

Then I was reminded of the fact that being depressed means that we need ‘deep rest.’ I was curious to find out more. What was it needed ‘deep rest from’? One of the first Tarot readings I did for myself after returning to the Tarot was to answer this question. These cards tell the story and they tell it well:

My Deep Rest Reading

The Arcanum without a name (XIII Death) is a card of initiation and ego mortification. It has been an intense year in that respect. This card directly answers WHY I’m in need of deep rest now.

The Emperor signifies issues around power and authority as well as father issues. It’s not a big secret that daddy issues have influenced my life in quite a big way and especially with regards to religion.

I rebelled, let go of all moral moorings. Then I crawled back to Christianity as if I would be able to be ‘good enough’ for the Father to love me this time. Maybe if I denounce everything and kill my identity, I will be good enough? Of course, this was all going on subconsciously and because I stopped working with the Tarot, I wasn’t able to access this layer of insight about what was happening.


I was loosely working with the Clarity Tarot Spread for this reading, so the next two cards are action advice, with the High Priestess acting as the clarifier for The Star.

You will no doubt have noticed that all four cards drawn for this reading are from the Major Arcana. This really confirmed my faith in the Tarot as a useful tool. I had asked a question about my spiritual journey and all four cards are from the suit that address the issue of our spiritual journey.

The first two cards have a limiting influence. XIII limits/ends life in general and IIII sets up restrictions for socially acceptable behaviour. They both have a masculine feel to me. I has been ‘harshing it out’ since March and had forgotten what the gentle hug of the Mother even felt like, as I was busy trying to make myself acceptable in the eyes of the Father.

The Star and The High Priestess

The Star always reminds me of a time when I was about five or six years old. To me, the Star is the Star of Bethlehem and that is how I depicted it in my Frideborg Tarot. The memory is of singing a Christmas carol about the light of that star shining into every sad and broken heart, bringing healing, light, peace and hope.

When I sang those words, I knew that this was what I ought to dedicate my life to – to be a channel for God’s love and grace.

The High Priestess is our intuitive self who resides with the Magician in the liminal space of our psyche. She is the connection to the deep wisdom of the Divine Feminine and my modus operandi as a seer. Without her, I couldn’t do what I came here to do.


Just looking at these two cards, I felt a part of me return. It was a humbling experience. That is the power of the language of symbols, my friends!

By the way, I’m not denying the power of the Word of God but I need both to be truly alive. It’s all about finding that balance between the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine. Reading about the Cathars was really helpful for greater harmony and balance in that respect.

Getting Back to Doing Readings

After the whole ‘Turn or Burn – TWICE‘ scenario in 2020, I’m ready to return to doing readings, not just for myself but for others. I’m a seer and it’s why I’m here to do.

There are no immediate plans on doing this professionally but if you feel you need guidance, I’m here for you. This is part of my Divine Service.

ETA 3 Nov 2020: I now offer email readings for a nominal fee or gratis if you can’t afford to pay. BOOK HERE.

The Devil Wants You Back

A couple of weeks ago, a Christian friend of mine said this to me. I’m not sure what it was that prompted them to say those words but it will have been the fact that I was acting in a way that was less than ‘orthodox.’

I’m very grateful to this friend because this harsh statement woke me up (after I finished crying). It made me realise that it wasn’t the devil that wanted me back. It was me and the Divine Mother that wanted me back.

This friend whom I still love like a brother may never understand the path I’m on but that’s okay. There was a time when I thought I needed acceptance by people like him but I don’t anymore. I’m 50, time is running out and God is calling.

I still see this friend as a dear brother in Christ. The sad thing now is of course that he will see me as having been reclaimed by the devil. History repeats itself: Orthodox Christians vs Gnostics. I don’t understand why it can’t be both. I still think it can and will be.

My heart longs for the body of Christ to be healed and whole. That’s what I will continue to pray for out of love for all my brothers and sisters who know His voice.

In His Love