22 Things You Definitely Do NOT Want in a Lover

masked man handing a girl a note to ask her out image

Last week I posted 22 Things I Want in a Lover. As you may have guessed it was inspired by both confessional singer/song writer Alanis Morissette and the Tarot Major Arcana. But what about the shadier side of the Majors? What if they show up reversed or poorly aspected in a position of a spread that reveals the traits and characteristics of a possible lover?

Can the cards help us detect warning signs of trait we do not want before it is too late? They sure can! (Humour warning! Take seriously at your own peril.) Look out for these 22 warning signs:

The Fool – He may very well be stoopid. Unless you’re of less than average intelligence yourself, you’re probably not a good match. The Magician – Beware of tricksters and liars! He’ll promise more than he can keep. The best warning sign here is that he will seem to be too good to be true with his swag and gift of gab.

The High Priestess – Secretive in the extreme, he prefers to watch your hand being played while holding his close to his chest.

The Empress – Preferring to dangle from his mother’s apron strings, you should definitely check to make sure that he has his own place and is not still living with his mother. You’d be surprised how many men in their 30’s and beyond who haven’t manage to make the move yet!

The Emperor – Two possibilities: Impotence or anger management issues. (Or a combination of both.)

The Hierophant – Don’t talk to him because he won’t listen. He knows best. About everything.

The Lovers – Ask yourself, “Who else is he seeing?”

The Chariot – Emotionally manipulative and delights in making you cry.

Strength – Quite possibly just looking for no strings fun. Already gone there? Get yourself tested, girlfriend!

The Hermit – Missed his monastic calling and now delights in making women feel as lonely as he himself feels.

The Wheel of Fortune – Do not give him the PIN code for your bank card unless you enjoy watching your fortune get gambled in a game of online poker. Justice – Just how long can a man sit on a fence? You’re about to find out.

The Hanged Man – He wants you but only in his dreams. Because fantasy is so much better than reality.

Death – He’s not going to change for anybody… even if it kills him. And the relationship.

Temperance – …is not his forte. Alcoholic? Possibly.

The Devil – Another addict. Could be anything. He’s just an all around bad egg.

The Tower – Too much or too little testosterone.

The Star – He wants his freedom but he’s not so concerned about you having yours. Don’t get cross when Susan calls him up to catch up on the latest goss – it’ll get you nowhere. Also don’t get upset when he cross examines you about your male colleague and you having lunch together.

The Moon – When he tells you he is in love with you on your second date, please understand that you are the 54th girl he has done this to. Run!

The Sun – It’s all about him and it always will be.

Judgment – Negatively suggestible in the extreme, you should tell him the opposite of what you want him to do. It’s for his own good since he has had a judgmentectomy somewhere along the road.

The World – His world is a small, small place… with no room for you.

Blessed be!