My Partner Cheated – What Next?

 

in bed with cheating partner

OMG, my partner cheated on me! The blow of this news often makes you feel sick to your stomach when it first hits and it can be difficult to think clearly when your emotions are taking you on wild roller coaster ride. First of all, let’s be very clear about this: It is not your fault that they cheat. Even if the relationship was far from perfect, the choice to go elsewhere instead of trying to fix the relationship was theirs.

The most important thing to NOT do at this stage when your mind and emotions are all over the place is
to make a permanent decision about the relationship. First you need a cooling off period. If you can spend time apart, this is ideal. However, if you are living together with children you may need to figure out ways to give each other space under the same roof.

Once you have pulled yourself together enough to know which questions you really need answering in order to go give your relationship a chance, you can arrange to meet up/sit down for a talk about the future of your relationship. It may not be possible to get to this stage without outside help and counselling is not a bad idea at all. And by counselling, I don’t mean asking advice from your friends or relatives that never liked your partner in the first place – I mean proper counselling by an objective professional.

The sort of questions you will need to ask of your partner for peace of mind will vary on an individual basis. One of the main questions everyone wants an answer to is ‘Why?’ and ‘How could you do this to me?’ However, please understand that your partner may not be able to answer these questions. The better way of gaining an understanding about the why and the how is probably to put yourself in their shoes, using your imagination… and if you still cannot understand it at all, they may not deserve another shot.

The second most important question is ‘Can you promise this won’t happen again?,’ to which the other person (who did show up to talk to you) will invariably say ‘Yes.’ Then it is up to you whether you begin the process of allowing them to earn back your trust. The temptation to check up on everything they do, get them to give you access to their phone etc may be huge. However, this is not how you regain trust – it is merely a way of instantly gratifying worry and fear. The key is time. In time, you will be able to tell if you are growing closer or further apart. It might be helpful to have a time span in fixed in your mind at this stage and give the relationship a year.

You need to be willing to draw a line under the past. Forgiveness is not the same as condoning their actions. Forgiveness means that you have decided to move on together and that the love you share is more important than their mistake – provided of course that they have realised it was a mistake.

Your relationship will never be the same. In terms of the Tarot, finding out that someone has cheated is a Tower type situation. You feel totally traumatised and there is nothing left of the old. You have to rebuild from the ground up. The good news about this is that you have a chance of getting it right this time… because there will have been some kind of disconnect that opened your partner up to cheating. If you have a truly intimate and trusting relationship, based on friendship and mutual respect, you simply don’t go there – and this is the sort of relationship you can have now… not instantly but given time.

A different scenario altogether unfolds if your cheating partner is a repeat offender… OMG, my partner cheated on me again! Well, you know what to do. They will keep doing this again and again and again… but not to you. Because you are wiser than that and have no problem showing them the door. In fact, you will hold it open for them.

As for getting a Tarot reading on if a partner is cheating or not, I advice against it. Most ethical Tarot readers won’t do third party readings (spying on your spouse is considered a third party reading) and it really isn’t very helpful. What you need is realy physical evidence of what you already know to be true… only then can you get them to confess and only after a confession can you begin making choices that will help you move forward.

Namaste

~ Lisa Frideborg