Leaving Without Deconstructing Properly
When I left the church around the turn of the millennium, there was no movement for deconstructing the Christian faith (or at least not one that I could access). Today, you can hop on over to Instagram, for instance, and do a quick search on hashtags like #deconstructing and #exvangelical to easily connect with a community of people who are going through deconstruction. I imagine that would have been very therapeutic for the 30-year-old version of me, 20 years ago.
My own attempts at deconstructing my faith were to dive into a mix of hedonism and self-help literature. I wouldn’t recommend anyone doing what I did because 20 years later, my psyche (subconscious mind) created events that forced me to deconstruct properly and when cognitive dissonance has that much time to ferment, it’s not going to look pretty.
A Brief Return to Literalism
Those of you who wagged your fingers and shook your heads at me last year know what I’m on about. I’ll forgive you for giggling as you read this. For a few months, starting in April 2020, I revisited my evangelical past and decided it was safer to hang out there. The world was changing and no longer safe. As much as I wouldn’t admit it at the time, I can see now that I was looking for a faith that would protect me from the impact of change.
Instead of going within or actively seeking to adapt from my core, I looked for a solution outside myself. The irony is that the answer to turn to Christ did come from within during prayer and fasting. The instruction from Spirit was not to go church-hunting or to turn to the worship of Scripture. I overreacted and ‘overcorrected’ as someone kindly pointed out a while back.
More Cognitive Dissonance to the Rescue
Literalism/fundamentalist Christianity did the job of making me feel safe… until it didn’t, about four or five months in. In all fairness, I have done a significant amount of real work on myself too, so going back to literalism very rapidly generated even more cognitive dissonance for me. I soon realised that I was on a hiding to nothing. Going back to evangelical Christianity was like trying squeeze back into 4th grade with an aim to graduate from primary school again.
Oddly, this strange detour into my past turned out to be a good thing because it forced me to finally look at my cognitive dissonance and purge it on every level: mental, emotional, and spiritual. I had to look deep into the abyss of my own ignorance and that was not only a good thing – it was epic and archetypal and everything a true catharsis promises to deliver. It was the metanoia of Achamoth. In letting go completely and allowing myself to drop into that abyss, I did find Christ… consciousness.
So venturing back into Christianity, once I shed the evangelical literalism, has proven extremely fruitful for me. There is a resonance between the Christian path and my own essence that makes my psyche sing. Quite possibly this has something to do with meeting Christ in the astral realm, both in Dreamtime and in meditation. But I think I’ve been on a ChristoSophianic path before… in other lifetimes…
There is no such thing as a false teacher. You attract the teachers that you have soul resonance with and they are always right for where you are, just as your lovers and romantic partners are always right for you in that moment. Like attracts like.
I can see that now when it comes to a certain famous spiritual teacher I used to follow who converted to fundamentalist Christianity a few years ago. At the time, my criticism wasn’t actually about her embracing traditional, literalist Christianity. My criticism was about how she had defrauded students and people who donated to her non-registered charity that was summarily dissolved when she decided to move on, resulting in the animals being abandoned. I know I wasn’t the only person who was unhappy about how this was dealt with.
However, now I can see just how much she acted as a screen for projecting my own unhealed religious wound. I was raging and judging her every move because I had neglected a big chunk of my healing work. Because I spent so much energy on judging her, I had to clear the self-judgment that brought and that is no doubt part of what happened last year. If she was a fraud and I had viewed her as a mentor and mother-figure, how much of a fraud was I?
A Kind of Suicide
I didn’t ask myself that question which might have acted as catalyst for healing had I asked it in conscious awareness. Instead, I killed every aspect of my spiritual work and identity, assuming it to be null and void, mirroring my projections on this teacher.
The truth is that I have always been honest. I’m not a fraud but I’m also not very confident. I always kept looking over my shoulder to see what everyone else was doing to measure if what I was doing was okay. Really, I should have gone within and trusted my inner guidance.
Before turning to fundamentalist Christianity, this particular teacher made me feel safe to integrate the unprocessed remnants of my Christian faith with my occultist and New Age beliefs. At least until she did that infamous u-turn and pooped all over everything she had done in the past, which was everything I was still doing. The sense of invalidation was overwhelming and took much longer to process than I thought it would.
When the first lockdown began in March 2020, I had only just recovered from what happened three years earlier and then everything came crumbling down once more. Spirit showed me signs of what was to come in the year ahead and I couldn’t trust any of what I was shown because I couldn’t trust myself. To be perfectly honest, I was freaking out. I didn’t understand why I was seeing these things, just like I didn’t understand why I was told by Spirit about the 2004 tsunami before it happened.
A Return to Love
I couldn’t trust myself because I was fragmented and still identified with my icon or eidolon. So I looked for a framework to prop me up. I’m giggling as I type this because surely my soul is old enough to know that could never work. But I gave it a damn good go! If I managed to somehow make the transition from being a Tarot reader to being a prophet, maybe my vision would change or at least be validated.
The burden of seeing what I had seen was too much. I needed help but I didn’t know how to ask for it or who to turn to. Now I know that was I saw was just a dream within a dream. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that LOVE has already won.
Nope, I’m not enlightened and I haven’t ‘arrived’ but I’m now okay with that. Love is a reality that I can hang out in now and it took the mother of all purges to get there. Hail Lady Wisdom and Christos!
Better For It All
The world is still a scary place and changing ever more rapidly. The division is rife and the richest people in the world are banking on it while the rest of us face a very uncertain future. Those of us with children worry about how our children will manage in the future. Life will never be the same. I guess that old cliché about the only certainty in life being change is true, huh?
Please understand that if recent events have changed you, I can relate. If you are changing, you are adapting even if it doesn’t feel like it. We are driven on by processes and forces that we can’t see or fathom at the threshold of a New Age. Some call this the Age of Aquarius (Aquarius = The Star in the Tarot).
Though we are dancing with these giants now and have yet to learn their rhythm, it is worth remembering that we can still set the intent to make this the era of a return to love, compassion, authenticity, consciousness expansion, unity and enlightenment. And it matters. You matter. Your light is everything. WE are the future.