This morning, I’ve been praying about my relationship with tarot. As I continued praying, I began to recognise something I had been reluctant to name. I had become addicted to the guidance.
For years, whenever something troubled me, I could shuffle a deck and get an instant answer. Sometimes that answer soothed my anxiety. Sometimes it gave me another question to ask. Either way, I had somewhere familiar to turn.
Now I believe God is asking me to surrender that dependence so that I can give myself to Him fully.
The Fire I Remember
I have an addictive streak. When something captures my attention, I hyperfocus. I also recognise a wholeheartedness in my personality that I believe God wants to use and shape.
I think of the disciple of Jesus they called Simon the Zealot. There is something about that name that makes me feel recognised. Lisa the Zealot. Those who know me would smile and nod reading this.
Between the ages of 18 and 20, I attended a Christian university in Tennessee. I was the one suggesting we get out of the car and witness to the homeless people in our town. I wanted them to know the good news and encounter Jesus.
The school was cessationist, yet I was on fire with what I now understand as the work of the Holy Spirit. At the time, I didn’t have that language for it. I simply wanted to share what I had found.
Remembering that young woman has moved me this morning. That desire to reach people with the love of Christ has survived a great deal.
When There Seemed to Be No Room for Me
Over the years, I kept returning to Christ. Again and again, painful encounters with Christian leadership left me feeling unwelcome and unwanted.
In Stockholm, an Opus Dei priest shouted at me to stop crying during confession when I was at my most vulnerable.
A Swedish Evangelical pastor told me he believed I had the gift of healing, then told me I wasn’t ready to use it. His words landed like a curse. Why would God give me something to offer, only for a pastor to tell me I wasn’t ready to use it? He offered no explanation. What I needed was help to discern and grow.
After moving to the UK, an Anglican vicar stonewalled me when I tried to talk honestly about tarot.
In a charismatic church in 2023, a pastor brushed me aside after discovering that I had no income and couldn’t contribute financially. I came away feeling that my lack of money had determined my worth.
Most recently, when I sought pastoral care and spiritual direction from a Catholic priest, I did not receive the help I was asking for. Reconciliation with the Church came to feel almost impossible.
These experiences accumulated. Each time I approached with some hope of finding a place, I came away carrying more hurt.
All these experiences helped drive me back into New Age and occult practices. There, I could explore spiritual experiences and find language for things that seemed to make Christian leaders uncomfortable. Along the way, I learnt to rely on tarot for guidance.
How the Cards Acquired Authority
I did my first tarot reading at 15 and later spent well over a decade reading professionally. The cards became woven into my working life, my identity and the way I understood my experiences.
When something was on my mind, I would shuffle until I felt that familiar click. Then I could lay out a story about what was happening and why.
I became very good at making connections. I could work with different systems of correspondences and explain convincingly why each one fitted. Eventually, I began to notice how much of the meaning I was supplying myself.
Yet my own interpretation could come back to me with the authority of something the cards had revealed.
That is a difficult thing to acknowledge after so many years. It also helps me understand the dependence I am now ready to release.
The question has become very personal: why do I keep trying to preserve a place for something I have repeatedly turned to for the reassurance and direction I need to entrust to God?
Following Christ
Daily prayer has been changing my capacity to trust. Since I began praying the Rosary regularly, I have gradually become more able to bring my worries to God and leave them with Him.
Sometimes I still have to wait. Sometimes I have to act with incomplete understanding. I am learning that I can remain in relationship with Him through both.
I also believe God is bringing clarity and forgiveness out of those painful experiences with Christian leadership. My allegiance belongs to Jesus Christ. I follow Him, not an institution, organisation or club.
However, I still long for Christian fellowship. I want to love the whole Body of Christ and find people with whom I can pray, learn and serve. I can seek that companionship while remembering whom I am following.
The zeal I remember from my baby Christian years in Tennessee still has somewhere to go. I want it to become patient, practical love: attention to the person in front of me, willingness to listen, courage to share the good news and readiness to serve.
What Am I Being Asked to Leave Behind?
I keep returning to a question in prayer:
Lord, what would You have me leave behind, and where is Your Spirit calling me next?
In Philippians 3:13–14, Paul writes about leaving what lies behind and pressing towards God’s call in Christ. Those words speak directly into what I am facing now.
I believe I am being asked to lay down the guidance I have become dependent on. I can let God teach me how to live without reaching for a deck whenever I want an answer.
Scripture, prayer and practices such as visio divina give me ways to turn towards God without drawing a card.
I’m ready to release it.
Jesus, help me surrender the cards, the dependence and the fear of being without them. Receive the wholeheartedness I have poured into so many other things. Teach me how to love and serve You with it.
I want to follow You.
A note for new readers
If this reflection has encouraged you, please consider supporting Angelorum with a paid subscription on Substack. Your support helps me continue writing about prayer, Scripture and life with Christ, and keeps these reflections freely available to everyone. Thank you for being part of Angelorum.
If you found Angelorum while looking up an occult topic, you might be wondering why I’m writing about Jesus now.
When I started praying the Rosary every day in September 2026, something in me began to wake up. Little by little, I found my way back to Jesus, and that changed the direction of this site. These days, I write about prayer, Christian mysticism and what I’m learning as I follow Him.
If you’ve spent years looking for God and still have questions, you’re welcome here.
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