Totally tongue in cheek…
0. The Fool – Maybe, and if he does, it’ll be when you least expect it. Probably in the middle of Christmas dinner at aunty Margret’s.
1. The Magician. Yes but I wouldn’t trust him quite yet…
2. The High Priestess. No.
3. The Empress. Not a chance. He’s busy getting his leg over with a MILF.
4. The Emperor. Yes, and on time.
5. The Hierophant. If he said he’d call after that slightly awkward first date, he meant it in the ‘traditional’ way in which case it’s a ‘no.’ Any other scenario and it’s a ‘yes.’
6. The Lovers. Hell yeah with a cherry on top!
7. The Chariot. No. Too busy with his own stuff. Who’d wanna date a boy racer anyway!
8. Strength. Expect a booty call!
9. The Hermit… well duh! Hell no!
10. The Wheel of Fortune. Yes, yes, yes! Unless it’s reversed in which case it’s a ‘No, no, no!’ (In fact, all reversals make a ‘yes’ less likely, so just read with the cards upright!)
11. Justice. After he has finished sitting on the fence like a true Libran by which time you’ll have hooked up with someone else.
12. The Hanged Man. Ever been to limbo? Want to join him there? Didn’t think so. Time to move on unless you want to wait and wait and wait…
13. Death. NO.
14. Temperance. Yes. He’s just going to finish licking his wounds inflicted by an ex first.
15. The Devil. Yes, but for totally selfish reasons and/or a booty call. Delete the b*stard’s number now!
16. The Tower. No. He probably got run over by a bus and ended up in hospital. Funny how that excuse is a sign of delusion with any other card.
17. The Star. Your wishes are about to come true so be careful what you wish for. Before you wish for him to call back, you may want to make sure he’s not living with his mother.
18. The Moon. Paralysing fear has got hold of his very best text message and phone dial fingers. No, in other words.
19. The Sun. Yes. Start planning that second date picnic now and check the weather forecast!
20. Judgment. He will make a decision very soon. The fates are withholding information about which way he’s leaning but either way, making this decision is a biggie to him so cut the poor man some slack.
21. The World. Of course he will. He’s ‘The One.’ Or something.