I’ve been around the New Age block more than once. It’s where people with esoteric interests tend to gather though some still affiliate themselves with various religious organisations. One of the things that makes the New Age community difficult for me as an Indigo to deal with is the fact that the ‘Love & Light’ surface often is a poor match for what I pick up on intuitively.
A tendency of mine to be brutally honest about my own short-comings and need for grace, rather than choose to wear the commonly proffered mask of Love & Light is probably why I occasionally tend to find my way back to traditional Christian worship, especially around the time of Lent which is the season of confession, self-denial and ego mortification. Yet I feel at home precisely nowhere. In a sense, I feel like I embody the unrest preceding the paradigm shift of the proper dawning of the New Age which will blow the socks off the money-driven model we have now. Or at least I hope it will.
Essentially, what I see when I look within myself is someone who hasn’t managed to quite make the world a good fit but also hasn’t managed to find a sub culture that resonates completely either. I’ve outgrown the strictures of patriarchal religion because of too many spiritual and super natural experiences that defy both science and dogma, yet I know that ancient wisdom is the ‘shoulders of giants’ upon which we must all stand if we wish to keep growing (yes, we need the Hierophant!).
Basically, I learn by fucking up a lot and simply put, if I’m perfectly truthful, I see myself as a psychic misfit. When I realised that this was probably the best label I could choose for myself, I wondered if there were perhaps others out there who feel the same… There is only one way to find out and that is to do what I’m doing here… and then hope and pray that any kindred spirits who happen to stop by take a moment to connect by leaving a comment.
Hence we are doing Misfit Mondays here on the blog – A series of posts about the burden of having a gift that the world (mostly) doesn’t want, the Church judges and that makes it impossible to don the mask of spiritual self-sufficiency which makes you spend more and more money in the New Age money-making machine in the hopes of finally cracking it, which you never will. You are being played. The antidote is clearly shown in the Star card: we need grace, people… but first most of us have to have our own personal Tower experience – I’ve had a few!
My hope is that these posts will help you feel that you are not alone and that is OK not being entirely OK even though you are on a spiritual path… Because GRACE. Perhaps we will even come together as kindred spirits this way – a rag-tag band of psychic misfits who just want to use our gifts for the Highest Good without being forced to learn the latest marketing techniques that appeal to the lowest common denominator (yes, fear!).
When I was 15, I had two experiences that shaped my spiritual journey, though to which extent I had no idea at the time. I underwent confirmation studies taught by a priest in the Swedish Church. In spite of intuitively knowing that the Church wasn’t a good fit for me (though I loved Jesus), I decided to go ahead with the confirmation because it was expected of me. The confirmation studies took place in Weymouth, UK, so doubled as language studies for me and my sister. We did a couple of day trips during our three-week stay and one of them was to Eastbourne, where I happened to step inside an occult book shop, somehow having managed to shake the other members of our group.
As soon as I stepped inside the door, the man behind the till looked up and his eyes glazed over. He said: ‘You are going to be a Tarot reader one day.’
I thought to myself how odd this was and I was 100% sure that he was wrong but his words stayed with me… Just a few weeks prior to this incident, I had done my first ever Tarot reading for a friend, and uncovered that she was being sexually abused by her mum’s new boyfriend – incidentally another priest in the Swedish Church!
No. Just no. That episode with my friend had spooked me quite badly, though I was happy that it led to her plucking up the courage to tell her mother and bring an end to the abuse.
Besides, I didn’t want to end up a social outcast… like my unemployable mother who spent her days on some kind of spiritual quest, chasing her tale while her life turned to shit around her (in my 15-year-old mind). My extremely psychic paternal grandmother had disowned her gifts for the greater good, as had my dad, and I was quite prepared to do the same. Life demanded of me that I learn a skill that would help me earn a good living and provide stability for any future children. My mother left when I was three years old and I certainly would. NOT. end. up. like. HER.
Life did its thing and after high school, I studied at an American University to become a psychologist but switched to acting studies after year one. After my second year at uni, I moved back to Sweden and decided to become a dance teacher. A knee injury put an end to those plans so next I decided to become a language teacher. Those studies were interrupted by two pregnancies… Somewhere along the line, I did one full year of Bible study, which I believe was followed by physiotherapy studies for a year… Then my knee healed sufficiently and I missed the dancing, so I finally return to the University College of Dance in Stockholm to complete my dance teaching certificate in Character dance.
I was 30 years old and had two young children. I was also in the process of getting divorced so teaching dance on evenings and weekends wasn’t really an option. I needed a ‘proper’ job and managed to land one as a medical secretary much thanks to being proficient at touch typing (the only valuable skill I learned in high school) and knowing medical terminology from my physiotherapy studies.
I can honestly say that none of it was thought through or properly planned. Things just seemed to happen to me and very little of it had made sense up until that point… but it was around the time of my first divorce that I started gaining a real appreciation for the Tarot. There was a truth and undeniable honesty in the cards that was so hard to come by in a world full of people more concerned with how they appeared to others than the actual welfare of their own souls.
I eventually recognised the Tarot as something much more than a tool for telling fortunes – I saw that it was a mirror for my soul and it was a mirror that just reflected rather than judge… I had found the perfect tool for doing what I always deep down felt I had come here to do, which is to help people with their soul growth in a pastoral capacity. I hindsight, I can see how all my studies helped me achieve the level of understanding I needed to make the Tarot work for me in terms of facilitating change and soul growth for my clients.
But I’m rushing ahead of myself. Long before I had my first paying client, I started blogging about the Tarot. I was in my mid 30’s at the time and had no plan to turn my interest in the Tarot into a business. The journey itself – and sharing it with others through writing – was my only aim. Gradually, more and more people found me, and I started getting requests for readings.
This happened around the time where I had to come up with some way of earning a living, so the time of going self-employed as a Tarotpreneur had arrived. Yet, I hesitated. My self-doubt (ego-mind) was doing a number on me something rotten. What finally helped me take that leap of faith was something as mundane as a free one day self-employment seminar arranged by my local job centre. I looked around the room and saw regular people from various backgrounds and thought, ‘Hey, they’re human and so am I. If they can do it, so can I!’
All of a sudden my excitement at being able to do something I love for a living completely overtook my fear and I went for it. I had half a clue about what I was doing and pretty much no idea about the business side of things so I had to learn by the seat of my pants… but I’m still here, 6½ years later so I guess I’m doing something right… and, more importantly, I still love my job!
By the time I started doing readings professionally, I was in denial about my psychic gifts. I had studied with the Tarot Association of the British Isles and while ethically sound, there was very little to inspire psychic input within their mentoring program. Yet, here’s the funny thing… When you are a Tarot reader, you often find yourself registering under the ‘Psychics’ heading in all the directories you want to be in so that online clients can find you.
So there I was, in my early 40’s starting a career as ‘Psychic’ without actually owning any of my gifts… yet using them sporadically – especially my dominant gift of claircognizance. So yeah, if that’s not a psychic misfit, I don’t know what is!
I am a Tarot reader who is advised to keep quiet about what she does for a living when she attends worship and I am a ChristoPagan who is ridiculed by Pagan Tarot readers for claiming the Tarot has Christian roots. I am a psychic who is in the process of (re-)discovering and claiming her gifts and I am an Indigo who cannot abide spiritual bypass. I am a Lightworker, often more at home in the Shadowlands, where the pain cuts the deepest and where people are crying out for grace… I am a Shadowworker perpetually drawn (sometimes kicking and screaming) toward the Light. I am your best friend if you have the courage to be authentic and your worst nightmare if you don’t.
I made this Tarot spread for YOU if any of the above resonates. It’s time for us to own the fact that we don’t quite fit in as something really fucking great! What do people who fit in contribute to society? More of the same. What does the world need now if we want to survive and improve life on this planet for all living beings? CHANGE!
You can help bring this change so own your misfit status with joy and anticipation!
THE PSYCHIC MISFIT TAROT SPREAD
1. Why I’m not meant to fit in – Shows you the nature of the type of change you are here to bring about
2. Greatest misfit blessing – Shows how being different is a big help to you as well as others
3. Greatest misfit challenge – Shows how being different creates challenges. Owning this aspect can help you face these challenges head on and start seeing them as opportunities for growth rather than as somebody or some unseen power trying to sabotage things for you… The truth is, even the challenges are there for your soul’s benefit!
4. How to create stability – Stability is the tough part for most psychic misfits because we have had to learn how to survive by rolling with life’s punches. All it takes is a slight shift of perception so that you realise that creating stability is not only achievable… You are actually responsible for this.
5. How to create change – This ties in with position number one and is the action advice on how to bring more of this kind of change to the world.
Hope you enjoy working with this spread – I would love to hear what you get in the comments!
So much love!