Thanks to this current healing crisis/RTS trauma recovery process, I’m having to dig deeper than ever before. And I’m using everything I know works. So this includes researching RST, EFT, dreamwork, journaling and working with the Tarot as a mirror for what is happening within. Yesterday, I had a healing breakthrough. And I feel this breakthrough relates quite synchronistically to today’s card, the Wyld Godde Tarot Chariot.
The Chariot is a card that I associate with the solar plexus chakra. This chakra was damaged almost to the point of no repair when my dad hit me so hard in the solar plexus that I thought I would die. What had a 12-year-old girl done to provoke such a blow? She had been giggling with her sister in bed before falling asleep.
The End of Period of Grace
A period of grace in my childhood that had begun at age 10 ended that night. They say self-help books can’t really help anybody. But the truth is that my two-year period of grace began by reading Wayne Dyer’s ‘Your Erroneous Zones.‘ That book led to a period of greater self-acceptance and thus acceptance of life in general. Around that time, I stopped sleeping with the light on.
Two years down the line, a sense of self began blossoming, in spite of all the abandonment, trauma and rejection I had experienced in early childhood. That sense of self died with the blow to the solar plexus. And though I didn’t turn the light back on, I never had a decent night’s sleep again. I feared my dad would kill me in my sleep.
The other cards I associate with the solar plexus chakra are The Sun (naturally) and The Tower. The Tower is a card of rage. Because I was taught that I had no right to my feelings or a sense of self, I could not connect fully with that rage until yesterday. I recognised how I had projected it on others who had a strong sense of self but in passive-aggressive ways.
I would seek acceptance from them instead of accepting myself. But because I didn’t accept myself, I would quickly be rejected by most people with sound boundaries. Or I would copy them and try to be like them. This inevitably led to failure. We are not here to be somebody else. But I didn’t know how to be myself because there was a hole punch where my centre was supposed to be.
Connecting with the rage
Because of all the work I had done up until the breakthrough point yesterday, I was able to hear God’s voice clearly. I’m not saying that the breakthrough wasn’t all grace (of course it was!) but had I not done the work, I would not have been able to see what actually happened, nor would I have understood the message Spirit had for me.
It happened while I was walking my dog Teddy yesterday. We were alone in a big field so as soon as I recognised the truth of this rage that I never owned before, I was able to start tapping on it. And, no surprise, I felt a huge release in my solar plexus chakra. I was then able to take residence and centre myself there. Oh, sweet relief and thank you, Abba!
As soon as this happened, Godde smiled at me and said, ‘And this is why you had to relapse. Now you clearly see the pattern of rage, isolation, rejection and desire for revenge. So now you can forgive yourself and let it go. You can let go of all the black-and-white thinking and the constant pinging between the two.’ What you can’t see and acknowledge, you can’t heal.
7 Questions from the Wyld Godde Tarot Chariot
- When you tune into your solar plexus chakra, what do you sense there?
- How solid is your sense of self and your personal power?
- Do you feel guilty about acknowledging that you have personal power and agency in the world?
- How do you honour (or not) the sense of self in others? (I.e. do you seek to manipulate or make them conform to religious perfection or some other standard of perfection?)
- Has your sense of self been manipulated and enslaved by a cult/religious organisation?
- If you answered yes to the previous question, was this a consequence of previously having given your power away or being manipulated into thinking you have no personal power?
- What unique talents and abilities did you come into this world with and how can you let them shine? In other words, what are your superpowers?
The Chariot is a card associated with victory and personal achievements. I celebrated yesterday’s healing breakthrough by completing my EFT refresher course certification with the AOAM. I did my first round of certification back in 2009 and hadn’t really been using it much. Now I use it daily and can’t recommend it highly enough. It works!