Most people only write about failure when they come out the other side and have made a success of their lives. But where’s the fun in that? Even when people strive to project a serious and professional persona, it’s the blooper reels we all love to watch. This is my invitation for you to watch my blooper reel with me and see what I am learning from my spectacular and very public failures as a professional Tarot reader.
But I won’t leave you choking on your tea with tears of laughter as I share how I went from having a popular Tarot website with around 6,000 daily views ten years ago to one that barely pays for itself. No. I genuinely wish to help those of you who may feel that everything you’re currently doing or trying is just leading to more failure.
So this post comes with its very own Tarot Spread, the ‘Failure, Teach Me’ Spread (click the link to go straight to the spread).
Where It All Started to Go Wrong
For where it all started to go wrong, we need to rewind the tape to 2017 and Doreen Virtue’s conversion to fundamentalist Christianity. Religious Trauma Syndrome is no laughing matter, as I have come to realise in the past 12 months. But at the time, I didn’t even realise that an RTS trigger was the real reason for my ferocious campaign for justice against her and Hay House. I felt personally betrayed and I was quite happy to risk losing my business over it.
I kept blogging (and raging) over the perceived injustices related to those of us who had been certified by DV. Anybody who had a minute to spare would get an earful about the horrors of it all. And offloading would temporarily soothe my sense of betrayal but really, it was a bottomless pit. I was on the top rung of the rage ladder. Thankfully (though not so much for them), I noticed a couple of people who had gone over the edge already, reaching for the invisible rung above. Watching them circle the drain below eventually made me pull back from the drama. However, by then, I had done incredible amounts of damage to my business and reputation.
Everything I had worked so hard for was going down the toilet. I didn’t think things could get worse, to which 2020 said, ‘Hold my beer!’
2020
Oh dear, where do I even begin? I think I’ll start with the Saturn-Pluto conjunction that was exact on my 50th Birthday in January of that year. In the build-up to that date, I felt acutely that something was off globally rather than just with me personally, though I do often feel depressed in the weeks leading up to my birthday. The very next day, the long-planned ‘event’ was unleashed on us and so many lives started crumbling from the lies that they tried to brainwash us with.
In some weird way, my anger/rage served me quite well to begin with. I quickly started seeing through the lies and joined the rebellion. However, it was not a rebellion built on fact (four years later we know a bit more) but a rebellion against what we knew to be lies. The truth was (and still largely is) obfuscated.
In my estimation, at the time (because of my RTS), those who were best able to shine a light into the mire of the lies and propaganda were those who clung to an all-black-or-white religious paradigm. This, in turn, led to my first Religious Trauma Relapse and a trip to the recycling skip with hundreds of Tarot decks, metaphysical books and occult paraphernalia. I shut my Tarot reading business down.
Partial Recovery and the Failure to Recover Fully
After about six months, I realised that I was going down the wrong path. I also missed my former work and the close connection I had with many of my tarot-reading clients, many of whom I had worked with for many years. Momentarily, I was able to discard the ‘all-black-or-white’ lens and approach my work from a different angle. Unfortunately, though this first relapse changed me, I did not understand the nature of the beast I was dealing with.
Two years later, the all-black-or-white paradigm started winking at me again. What I failed to take into account was that the reason for this was a) the lack of understanding and diagnosis of Religious Trauma and b) the collective response to the trauma induced by events that have been unfolding since 2020.
As someone who is a sponge for energy, a lot of the fear I picked up on was not even mine.
The 2022 Relapse
By the end of 2022, I had a few old clients still with me as well as some new clients. However, I was holding on to my occupation/livelihood by a thread so what did I choose to do? I ran straight back to the only safety I had ever known, utterly destroying my business. Or so I thought.
Because this time, the wake-up call came much sooner. After the first RTS relapse, I started waking up about six months in. This time it took about six weeks before I started listening to my intuition that was SCREAMING within me that I was going down the wrong path again. I’m not going to lie–it helped that none of the people at church made me feel like I wasn’t a good fit for that path.
However, it seemed very improbable that I would be able to reestablish myself as a Tarot reader after not one but two cry-wolf episodes. Yet, some of my former clients picked up on the fact that I was genuine about my struggles and the journey of healing from Religious Trauma Syndrome and a few of them returned. Again, I was able to attract some new clients, much thanks to the loving support of old clients who left wonderful reviews on Trustpilot and who also told friends about the work I do.
2024
This is hard, folks. I don’t suppose anybody is choking on their beverage of choice when reading the above, or at least not with tears of laughter. I’m between a rock and a hard place, trying to decide the best way forward.
This is the year where, after healing from RTS, I see with 20-20 vision how my reactivity, rage and arrogance f*cked me over. Since I did everything else in public, I karmically owe it to myself to do the shadow work in public too. Look, here’s my shadow! It’s ugly. Okay?
This is the year where I can say all of the above without hating myself for it. I look at the past versions of myself with empathy (just as I now do with Doreen). Doreen had a gift and she chose to relinquish it for another path. Good for her. I have a gift too and I would like to keep it. People keep telling me (check the reviews for yourself). I love what I do now that I no longer secretly/subconsciously hate or judge myself for any part of the work I do.
Now that I’m finally ready to do the work from a place of peace and self-acceptance, genuinely ready to serve others for the Highest Good, I have to face the fact that it may no longer be an option. So what am I meant to learn from all of this… and is there a way back?
‘Failure, Teach Me!’ Tarot Spread
- Your Current Situation
Assess where you are right now and the fundamental circumstances you are dealing with. - The Original Cause of the Failure
Reveal the underlying issue that initiated the downward spiral. - The Reaction to the Failure
Understand your immediate emotional and intellectual response to the initial failure. - The Lesson Unlearned
Identify the critical lesson from past failures that you might have missed or ignored. - Current Consequences of Past Failures
Assess the present impact of your past failures on your life and work. - Guidance for Healing
Gain insights into the path toward healing from the trauma and negative patterns. - The Way Forward
Look into the potential routes to take to rebuild, recover, or redirect your energy and gifts positively.
This spread is designed as a tool for introspection and growth. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. You deserve that, just as much as anyone.
‘Failure, Teach Me! Sample Reading
Your Current Situation: 10 of Cups
The 10 of Cups represents a sense of emotional fulfilment and family bliss. In your current situation, it could indicate that you are finding some emotional stability and support from loved ones. There is a feeling of coming full circle. Emotionally speaking, there is a strong foundation from which to examine the past and plan for the future.
The Original Cause of the Failure: Judgement
Judgement signals a time of reflection and, often, of reckoning. It can also (more literally) deal with a tendency to judge yourself and others. This could have manifested in your reactions to Doreen Virtue’s conversion.
The Reaction to the Failure: Page of Wands
The Page of Wands here signifies that you were eager to express your thoughts. You may have acted impulsively, without the foresight provided by experience. Silence may have been the better option.
The Lesson Unlearned: Knight of Wands
Following the Page of Wands, the Knight of Wands points to a lesson around harnessing your energy and channelling it more sustainably. Knight’s energy is more mature than the Page’s but still prone to haste and lack of planning. The lesson you may have overlooked is how to balance your fiery enthusiasm with a strategy and direction to avoid burnout and misdirection.
Current Consequences of Past Failures: 3 of Pentacles
The 3 of Pentacles in this context indicates a breakdown in collaboration. Your business and reputation may have suffered from a lack of community support. You failed to find the most harmonious way forward. This may stem from the damage done during your active rage phase, leading to a loss of structure and shared goals.
Guidance for Healing: 10 of Pentacles
The healing path is suggested by the 10 of Pentacles. This is a card of legacy, long-term success, and the accumulation of wealth and knowledge. To heal, it seems you need to focus on building something enduring, prioritising stability and support not just for yourself but for those around you as well. Acknowledging your past to inform a more secure and stable future is key.
The Way Forward: Ace of Cups
The Ace of Cups represents a wellspring of emotions, relationships, and intuition. As the way forward, it suggests you are on the verge of a new emotional beginning. This could involve a fresh approach to how you connect with your clients. It could also signify an inner awakening to the love for your vocation that perhaps you thought you had lost. The card signifies a time to trust in the power of your intuition to guide you. This is about opening your heart and letting the authenticity of your feelings cultivate a renewed sense of purpose in your work. Let the genuine care for what you do touch the hearts of others.
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