There is no way to know how much shaming by parents and other family members it takes to inculcate a sense of toxic shame. However, toxic shame is a central part of the pathology for anyone suffering from CPTSD due to childhood abuse and trauma.
During my CPTSD healing journey, I came across the expression ‘toxic shame.’ When I first heard this expression, I didn’t quite understand it. It seemed like tautology to add ‘toxic’ to ‘shame’–an emotion already inherently toxic (unlike guilt). So let’s take a closer look at this term, what it means and how it relates to CPTSD.
Understanding Toxic Shame and Its Connection to CPTSD
What is Toxic Shame?
Toxic shame is an intense feeling of inadequacy, stemming from a belief that one’s entire self is flawed, inferior, or unworthy. Unlike regular shame, which might arise from specific actions or situations, toxic shame infiltrates a person’s self-concept and identity, leading to chronic feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing.
Connection to Complex PTSD (CPTSD)
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) often develops in response to prolonged and repeated trauma, such as ongoing abuse, neglect, or violence. Individuals with CPTSD may experience a range of symptoms, including emotional dysregulation, dissociation, alienation, flashbacks and negative self-perception. Toxic shame is a common feature of CPTSD and can further exacerbate feelings of hopelessness and despair. This overwhelming sense of shame can make recovery more challenging, as it tends to reinforce negative beliefs about oneself and the world.
Healing from Toxic Shame
Other than talk therapy such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), or Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), there is actually quite a lot you can do on your own to heal from toxic shame.
1. Mindfulness and Recognising Shame
Any kind of mindfulness practice that helps you pay attention and observe your emotions can help you recognise shame. When you do, it’s important to talk to a friend or family member you can trust. This is because as soon as you shed light on shame, it tends to dissipate.
2. Radical Self-Care
Practicing self-compassion and radical self-care involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during times of failure or perceived inadequacy. Shift the internal narrative from one of shame to one of acceptance and care by monitoring your self-talk. When the self-talk shifts in the direction of shame, have some kind of pattern-interrupt in place.
3. Building a Support Network
Connecting with supportive friends, family members, or peers can provide validation and encouragement. Sharing experiences with those who care can help dismantle the isolation and secrecy that often accompany toxic shame.
4. Journaling
Writing down thoughts and feelings in a journal can be a powerful tool for processing emotions and gaining insight into the origins of toxic shame. Reflective exercises can aid in the identification and understanding of harmful beliefs. Tarot journaling can be used for this purpose.
5. Creating Boundaries
Learning to set healthy boundaries can prevent further harm and reinforce a sense of self-worth. Establishing clear limits with others can protect individuals from situations that may trigger or exacerbate toxic shame.
6. Engaging in Creative Activities
Art, music, writing, or other forms of creative expression can serve as outlets for processing and healing emotional pain. Engaging in creative activities allows individuals to communicate feelings they might not easily express through words.
7. Mind-Body Practices
Incorporating practices such as yoga, meditation, qigong or deep breathing exercises can enhance emotional regulation and foster a sense of grounding and calm. These techniques help build resilience against the intrusive feelings of shame.
Conclusion
Healing from toxic shame is a multifaceted process that takes time and effort. It involves dismantling deeply ingrained beliefs and patterns, cultivating self-compassion, and seeking support. With the right tools and resources, individuals can begin to heal from toxic shame and develop a more positive, empowered sense of self.
The Toxic Shame Tarot Spread
This Tarot spread can help you pinpoint how your self-perception and relationships are affected by toxic shame and provide guidance for self-healing.
Card Positions:
- The Root of Shame – This card represents the origin or core source of toxic shame. It uncovers the foundational belief or experience that triggered these feelings.
- Current Impact on Self-Perception – This card reveals how toxic shame is currently affecting your self-view. It highlights areas where feelings of unworthiness or self-criticism are most intense.
- How Others Perceive You – This card reflects how others actually see you, providing an external perspective that may contrast with distorted self-beliefs.
- Trusted Support – This card identifies a person or resource you can rely on for genuine support and validation during their healing journey.
- Necessary Boundaries – This card suggests what boundaries you need to establish to protect yourself and reinforce your self-worth.
- Path to Self-Compassion – This card offers guidance on how to cultivate self-compassion and replace negative self-talk with kindness and understanding.
- Healing Action – This card suggests an actionable step or practice you can take to start healing from toxic shame.
- Hidden Strength – This card reveals an inner strength or positive quality that you can leverage to counteract feelings of shame and build resilience.
- Outcome of Healing – This card provides a glimpse into the potential growth that may come from overcoming toxic shame.
Using the Spread
To use this spread, lay out the cards according to the layout above. Take your time reflecting on each card’s meaning and how it relates to your experience of toxic shame. Journal your insights and consider discussing your findings with a trusted therapist or support group to aid in your healing process.
Healing from Toxic Shame Sample Tarot Reading
1. The Root of Shame: Page of Pentacles/Grains
The Page of Pentacles signifies the early stages of development and learning. In the context of toxic shame, it may point to experiences from childhood or formative years where feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness began to take root. This card suggests that the origins of toxic shame are tied to early lessons about self-worth and value, influenced by caregivers and teachers.
Since the suit of Pentacles relates to the physical body, this Page indicates that the abuse and the concomitant shame has taken a toll on your physical wellbeing. This can be further evidenced by the predominance of Pentacles cards in this reading.
2. Current Impact on Self-Perception: Queen of Swords/Feathers
The Queen of Swords represents clarity, intellect, and independence but also a certain detachment. In terms of self-perception, this card indicates that toxic shame has led to a hyper-critical and overly analytical view of oneself. While this perspective might bring sharp insights, it can also result in harsh self-judgment and emotional coldness, exacerbating feelings of shame.
3. How Others Perceive You: Knight of Swords/Feathers
The Knight of Swords is seen as assertive, direct, and sometimes impulsive. Others may perceive you as someone who is quick-witted and decisive, perhaps even forceful in your communication. This external perception contrasts with your internal feelings of shame and self-doubt, highlighting a disconnect between how you see yourself and how you are viewed by those around you.
4. Trusted Support: Queen of Pentacles/Grains
The Queen of Pentacles suggests a nurturing and practical source of support. This could be a reliable friend or family member who offers stability, care, and sensible advice. This person’s grounded nature provides a safe space where you can find validation and encouragement, essential for healing toxic shame.
5. Necessary Boundaries: Ace of Pentacles/Grains
The Ace of Pentacles symbolises new beginnings and the potential for growth. Establishing boundaries related to your sense of self-worth and security is crucial. This may involve setting clear limits around how you are treated by others and ensuring that your physical environment supports your healing and personal development. Healthy habits and looking after the wellbeing of your physical body plays a crucial role on your healing journey.
6. Path to Self-Compassion: The Wheel of Fortune/Wheel Within a Wheel
The Wheel of Fortune represents cycles, change, and destiny. To cultivate self-compassion, embrace the notion that life is full of ups and downs and that challenges and setbacks are part of the human experience. Accepting this can help you develop a kinder, more understanding attitude towards yourself, seeing your struggles as part of a bigger picture rather than personal failings.
7. Healing Action: 3 of Swords/Feathers
The 3 of Swords typically signifies heartbreak, sorrow, and emotional pain. Healing from toxic shame requires confronting and processing these deep-seated hurts. This painful but necessary action involves acknowledging past wounds, allowing yourself to grieve, and ultimately releasing these burdens to move forward.
8. Hidden Strength: 6 of Pentacles/Grains
The 6 of Pentacles represents generosity, support, and balance. Your hidden strength lies in your ability to give and receive help. This card suggests that you have an inherent capacity for fairness and reciprocity, which can be a powerful tool in your healing journey. Leveraging this strength can help you build supportive relationships and foster a sense of community.
9. Outcome of Healing: 5 of Pentacles/Grains
The 5 of Pentacles often represents hardship and isolation but also the opportunity for spiritual growth. The outcome of healing from toxic shame may initially feel challenging, symbolised by confronting feelings of loneliness or scarcity. However, this process ultimately offers a path to finding deeper resilience and compassion. Ultimately, it may lead to a more profound connection with both yourself and others.
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